Thoughts on aliens

I was deep in thought the other day sitting in my thinking spot, i.e. on the toilet, and I began to ponder just how small we are in comparison to the entire universe. My thoughts turned to exterterrestial life. I mean, why would God create vast numbers of galaxies with no life to inhabit it, no one to enjoy it. I'm not saying aliens exist. I'm just saying consider the possibility.
If aliens do exist, what do they think of us? I picture them as the two old men in the balcony on the Muppet Show, making smart remarks about the idiotic things we do. I wonder if they feel watching us the way I feel watching THe Hills. As a species, we are pretty moronic, we do make a lot of stupid choices, and we are kinda arrogant.
I wonder, if aliens do exist, if the whole alien abduction thing is just like a way to mess with us, kind of like a big cosmic sticking wedgie. Think about it. They never abduct anyone who could be considered a reliable source. And what is the point of probing someone other than to be irritating? Plus, the stories about women being impregnated and giving birth to alien babies before being released back on earth sound a little ridiculous to me. Do you really think aliens would risk tainting their offspring by mixing their dna with ours? That would be like mating with your mentally retarded first cousin. It just doesn't make sense.
I'm not too worried about alien invasion. That would be like canceling your favorite television show, and I think we provide way too much entertainment to be cancelled. However, if aliens do exist, i'd like to team them up with Joel McHale, David Sedaris, and Jim Gaffigan and just be a fly on the wall.

thoughts on public bathrooms

Now, I have, over the last twenty-eight years, used many public bathrooms. It has actually become something of a game where someone will name a public place and I tell them if I have, in fact, used that bathroom. There are very few "no's" in that game. However, this is not the point of this particular blog.
Last Saturday, I was strolling along downtown Paducah with my friend Ronny. I had just drank a large diet coke and pretty soon I had to pee. We were walking along and I wasn't sure where to go because the businesses downtown are not exactly stop and pee places. As we are walking, I noticed a theater where a local drama troupe performs. The door was wide open and as I peered inside, I noticed bathrooms. I didn't see anyone around, so I ducked into one of the bathrooms. Ronny waited outside. Sure enough I had just sat down and started to go when I here a banging on the door. Cries of outrage come at me from some unknown male. Cries of outrage and disgust flung at the door. Suddenly I hear the man/boy cry out, "Don't you have a home?"
I wanted to bust out laughing, but instead I just finished my business and quickly left. As I passed by I looked away for fear of laughter coming out. I can't imagine the rage that would have incurred. I wish I could make myself cry. It would have been hilarious to answer his question with a sobbing, "NO!" But, alas, I am not that good.
Of all the things I have ever heard in the bathroom, as I was leaving the bathroom, this was the most ridiculous and awesome. Moral of the story: just because the door is open, doesn't mean the bathrooms are for public use.

thoughts on coworkers

Yesterday I saw coworkers outside of work two different times. Why is that always so awkward? One of the sightings happened in Herrin Walmart. Our conversation went like this. "I didn't know you live in Herrin." "Yeah. Do you live in Herrin?" "Yeah...Well, see ya." "See ya." How is it that at work you have plenty to talk about and in the world that exists outside the workplace you are worse than strangers; strangers have livelier conversations than that.
I think the next time I run into a coworker outside of work, I am going to have a little fun with it. Maybe I'll act suspicious and secretive, like I'm doing something I shouldn't. You know, just to see if any rumors surface. Or perhaps, I'll go the obnoxious route, clapping my hands and announcing, "It's John Doe, everybody. John Doe is here." Maybe I'll even start a store wide round of applause. But, I think the most fun thing to do is be intentionally creepy. I'll go up to them and say emphatically, "It's SO good to see you." Then, I'll give them a big hug, and linger. I can look through their cart. "Whatcha got there? I see someone's having problems staying regular." Then, maybe, I'll just continue to follow them through the store humming the Police's "Every Breath You Take".
Most likely, though, I'll just awkwardly say hello and go on my way. I suppose that as long as coworkers have existed this has been a problem. I bet even in cave man times this was a problem. After a hard day of clubbing dinosaurs together, the cave men would run into each other outside of the stomping grounds and hem and haw in cave man talk, avoiding eye contact, until one of them cme up with an excuse to leave.
Perhaps someday we will live in a world where coworkers can coexist outside of work and have wonderful conversations...or maybe it will always be awkward.

Thoughts on Church Signs

There's a church in my neighborhood with one of those signs they can change every week or so. They try so hard to be witty, but often it comes off sounding pretentious, and frankly, it just ticks me off. I mean, I get unjustifiably angry when I see these signs. Why do they bother me so much? I think I would put them on par with inflatable lawn ornaments. I hate them for no reason other than they just annoy me. It's ridiculous.
A couple of weeks ago, this church had a sign that said, "Anger is one letter away from danger." That's just dumb. Anger is also one letter away from manger. Think about that for awhile. Oh yeah, and it's two letters away from stranger and six letters away from cliffhanger. Do I really need to go on?
They had another sign up awhile ago that said, "The easiest thing to find is fault." Really? Cause I think the easiest thing to find is trouble. And ladybugs. Seriously, southern Illinois is infested with ladybugs. But that's another thought for another day. Maybe for you, the easiest thing to find is gray hair, or chocolate, or loose change.
I'm sure that some elderly lady spends hours thinking up these little nuggets of truth. But, surely she can do better than "Jesus is like Tide. He removes the stains others leave behind." No kidding. I really saw that one.

Thoughts On Wall Art

As I was leaving the river walk in San Antonio, I passed an ambulance parked near our car. The ambulance lights were on, and two EMTs stood outside talking to a man. The man appeared to be drunk, and the EMTs were trying very hard to persuade him to go with them. At first this perplexed me. Why waste resources of time and money sending paramedics to deal with a drunk man who didn't appear to be dying or bleeding? Why not have the police or security handle this? While I pondered these thoughts, things escalated. The man proceeded to remove his shirt and fling it back and forth. Maybe this man wasn't drunk. Maybe he had escaped from the mental institute and that was why paramedics were required - to give him meds and return him safely to his residence. The more I watched this man, the more this answer made sense. I was reminded of a video I watched in a college psychology class. It showed a schizophrenic man who refused to take his meds. They found him in Florida hiding out behind an abandoned warehouse. He was making wall art...with his feces. So, I said a prayer for this man in Texas. And I pray that should I ever quit taking my meds and run away, someone will bring me back before I reach the point of fecal wall art.